Why I took a break from blogging.

'There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realise that nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this.' - John Hobbes, Fallen.

My first blog post was in January 2014 and my last in November 2014. The same year I started my blog, I also stopped it.

There were a number of reasons for this, but the main one was that I needed space and time to think; to go over and deal with everything that had happened through the publicity of my blog. In just a few months of setting up and writing a handful of posts about my experience of having cancer, I was contacted by a press agency and not long after that my blog link and story was being published online by multiple newspapers. I was being contacted by radio stations and journalists wanting to hear about my experience first hand and along with this came emails filled with questions from others who had been recently diagnosed or who were currently undergoing treatment for cancer.

The hardest message I received was from a young woman, not much older than me and all she asked, the only thing that she wanted to know was how could she beat the cancer, how could she survive? She was a mother to a young child and she was relying on me to help her and I didn't even know how or what to reply with. Eventually I did and I was completely honest with her. One thing I learnt from having cancer is that it's toxic. It enters your body and it slowly tries to take over every little part of you, from your blood to the way you think and if, even for a second, you start to think that you can't do this any more, or that the cancer is going to kill you anyway... it just might. A couple of months later, I learnt that she'd passed away. I don't know who decides in this world who gets to live and who doesn't. Why should a young woman, with a child, with so much love to give and so much hope and trust to teach them, why should they not have the chance to live their life? I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will. But I hope that her child knows how brave she was. That she fought to stay in their life, but it just didn't turn out the way she wanted. 

Receiving emails like this and learning that you can't help people who are turning to you for help is and will always be one of the worst feelings I've experienced. But this doesn't mean that I don't want to know. I set up my blog to help others, to give a first hand, honest account of what it was like for me, from the diagnosis, to the treatment and finally to remission. There is no right or wrong. There's no one treatment that will work for everybody. There's nothing that you can or can't do that'll increase or decrease your risk of being diagnosed with cancer. So if you're reading my blog and you want to get in touch, you are more than welcome to send me an email, because there is nothing worse than thinking that there is nobody there. That there's nobody who you can talk to or simply talk at, because there is.

I will continue to carry on with my blogging, but there is no set number of posts I aim to put up in a week, it will be as and when. But I will be putting up a post about what's involved with a bone marrow biopsy soon.

NHS Hospital - Royal Sussex County Hospital

In the press recently there have been a lot of 'horror stories' and 'shocking' images of hospital food provided by the NHS. It isn't the first time either that I've read damning stories about the NHS, if it's not the nurses the press are getting at, it's something else... one thing I think that everyone should remember, however, is not to tar all NHS hospitals with the same brush.

I was admitted into the Royal Sussex County Hospital in Brighton in June of last year (2013) onto the Haematology Ward and my first stay was for roughly 3 weeks, which meant hospital food every.single.day... and I honestly couldn't complain. The food I had was all completely edible. (Contrary to what the papers have been reporting lately.) There were two really lovely ladies, who would alternate with one another on different mornings, as to who would come round taking note of what each person wanted for their food that day. (Sometimes it would be a different person, but generally it was one of the two ladies.) Every morning one of them would appear, smile on face, with a choice of different meals I could have that day for lunch and supper and they'd also ask me what I would like for breakfast. (Toast, cereal, yoghurt, fruit, hot drink, cold drink... pretty much anything.) For lunch and supper, there was generally a choice of two/ three different hot options, but there was also the option of sandwiches/  fruit & yoghurt.

All the kitchen staff went about their day with a smile on their face and would always make an effort with me, starting up conversation or just making sure my food was okay whenever they popped in.

You can't fault the staff either. From the kitchen, to the nurses and doctors, they are all such wonderful individuals and it felt like they were always going out of their way to make sure I was okay. It must be really hard at times, (if not every day), working on the Haematology ward, where you're faced with patients who have received a life changing diagnosis, such as cancer. Personally, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to hold it together, when a patient is falling apart. But every day the nurses would turn up smiling and laughing and go about their shift. Being an inpatient for as long as I was, you get to know the nurses and the rest of the hospital staff really well and I can honestly say they are an incredible bunch of selfless and caring individuals. If I was having a down day, they'd know and they'd try their best to cheer me up or talk me round, reassuring me that it wouldn't be like this all the time. They'd always go out of their way and make an effort, one of the nurses even tried to get me to do some origami, as I spent the majority of my days in hospital sleeping and not doing much else... but I'm pretty sure I just went back to sleep anyway, haha. 

I was incredibly lucky to have such lovely people looking after me, who still continue to every 3 months or so for my check-ups. 

Not all wards are as grim as they're made out to be, not all the staff are as heartless as they're made out to be and not all the food is as bad as it's made out to be either... so don't believe everything that the papers print.

National Cancer Survivors Day - June 1st

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY TO BE ALIVE.

Today is National Cancer Survivors Day. A day to celebrate life. This time last year I hadn't even been diagnosed yet... little did I know that a couple of weeks later I'd be sitting in a hospital bed being told I had leukaemia. When I look back to when I was diagnosed, being admitted into hospital, all the tablets, the chemo, the sleepless nights... all of it.. it seems like one big whirlwind. However I understand that it all could have ended so differently for me, had I not been sent to A&E after my third visit to the doctor. Which makes today (and every other day) something that I'm extremely thankful for. There were (and still are) a wonderful bunch of people who looked after me during my diagnosis and treatment, who continue to look after me now that I'm in remission and being monitored for the next couple of years.

However it's not just a day to celebrate those who have survived. It's a day to remember those who we've lost to cancer, those who fought so hard to stay with us and those who are still fighting against cancer.

If you'd like to know more about National Cancer Survivors Day, how it came about, events and latest news. You can pop over to their website *here!*


On a separate note, last week (Wednesday 28th May) I went up to London to help promote Race for Life, which helps raise money for Cancer Research UK. There were 50 of us altogether and we all donned a fluffy pink gorilla costume each! We then went round London having group photos taken in different locations and doing the 'Cancer Slam' dance routine. The whole purpose of the day was to raise awareness of the events going on, like Race for Life, that help to raise money for Cancer Research UK. Money which is vital into researching cancer further, improving on current treatments and developing new ones. It was a really fun day and the outcome was many funny photos, a lot of pink fluff and a video which you can view by clicking on this link... *Race for Life - Pink Gorillas in London!*

If you'd like to sign up for a Race for Life event near you (or a different event, as there are many!) You can do so by popping over to the website *here!* You can also read my original Race for Life event post, which my sister and I will be taking part in next Sunday *here!* ♥

How My Friends Reacted To My Cancer Diagnosis..

HARD TIMES WILL ALWAYS REVEAL TRUE FRIENDS.

This statement is incredibly true. It's during the tough times that your true friends will be revealed and you will fully understand what it means to have those friends there for you.

As I mentioned in my previous post 'How I Told My Friends I Had Cancer' I pretty much dropped my leukaemia diagnosis into conversation like it was no big deal. I didn't really know what to expect from my friends. I was a bit of a mess over the whole situation so I genuinely had no idea how they'd react, or what they'd say.. if anything. The majority of my friends were so lovely about the whole situation, yes it upset them, but they all wanted me to know how much they loved me and really.. if I was going to be okay. I had lots of cards and little presents arrive with 'get well soon' wishes and lovely messages from my friends and family friends. It always brightened up my day when I had an animal themed card delivered to my room! Haha!

But, all the caring and genuine messages come with bad and the maybe not so genuine... I received messages from old friends who I hadn't heard from in a while, which was lovely of them to get in touch. However there were people who I classed as my 'close friends' who I heard nothing from. There was no message, no phone call, no anything and they still haven't spoken to me much since my diagnosis, or since being told I was in remission.. it's weird how people you classed as your best friends, people who you thought would be there for you suddenly vanish. I know that suddenly finding out that someone you care about has cancer is tough, it's hard to deal with and some people can't deal with it and push you away instead, so maybe that was it. But it was a hard realisation that people who I thought would always be there, suddenly weren't. As well as this sudden realisation, I also received messages from people who hadn't made my life easy in the past. People who had been really horrid to me and had ultimately caused me to move schools.. saying that they couldn't believe what had happened, (news which they'd heard through mutual friends) and they were now 'thinking about me.' Now don't get me wrong, maybe their intentions were genuine when they chose to get in contact and maybe they genuinely couldn't remember how rubbish and hell like they'd made my life in the past. But these messages I chose not to respond to. I wasn't going to let myself get drawn in by them.

I will never understand why when someone becomes seriously ill, those who hurt them before will suddenly pop up, acting like nothing ever happened. They never hurt you. They were never mean to you. They act like everything is just peachy. It's a behaviour that baffles me now and probably always will.

Having cancer has taught me a lot. It's taught me who I can and can't trust. Who will always be there when I need them... and those who are only there when it benefits them. It's a hard lesson to learn when you're extremely ill, however I'm glad I now know who the genuine people are in my life.❤

'FRIENDS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN THE RECIPE OF LIFE.'

How I Told My Friends I Had Cancer...

Taken 6 days before I was diagnosed.

I was thinking back the other day, about when and how I told my friends that I had cancer.. in hindsight I probably could have handled it better and probably should have told them straight away. But I didn't. Telling my friends that I had been diagnosed with cancer, I knew, wasn't going to be easy. I'm not one of those people who likes to tell others every single last detail of their personal life, or 'you'll never guess what happened to me today.. well I'm going to tell you!' kind of person... I see a lot of people, especially on facebook, documenting every single little thing that has happened to them either with a 'selfie' or a picture of the incident taken literally as soon as it has happened... be it a nosebleed, a paper cut or falling down the stairs.
So when it came to me telling my friends, I literally just dropped it into conversation like it was completely normal and something that happened on a daily basis. I was diagnosed on the 20th June 2013 and the majority of my friends didn't find out until the 1st July 2013... so a good 12 days later. I put up a status on my facebook profile, thanking the handful of friends who already knew about my leukaemia diagnosis for their love and support. The exact message was..

 'Just wanted to say a massive thank you for the love and support since I came into hospital with Leukemia. I really appreciate the messages and I shall get back to you as soon as I can, so thank you.  xxx'

Now, I know putting it up on Facebook a lot of people won't agree with. Something as serious as cancer should probably be told in person or over the phone, not something to be stumbled upon as your friends are scrolling through their newsfeed. However, I didn't want to call anyone. I didn't want to say that I was in hospital. I didn't want to see anyone. I just didn't want to have to verbally communicate with any of my friends. I knew that if I called one person, I'd have to call them all... and in doing that each call would end up progressively worse than the last and I would have ended up either a hysterical mess at the end of the conversation, or a complete mess as soon as they picked up the phone, unable to get any words out.

Prior to breaking my cancer diagnosis to my friends, I'd been texting them whilst I was in hospital acting like everything was wonderful... conversations of, 'How are you?' and 'How has your day been?' My response was, 'I'm great thanks! How are you lovely?!' and 'Yeah, it's been pretty boring actually! Ha! You had a good day?' ...for me this was so much easier to do than actually a) acknowledge the situation I was in, or b) send back an essay of a message, all about my day of lying in bed, being checked over by doctors and nurses and continuously having blood and platelets and drugs pumped into me. I didn't want to bother anyone. I didn't want to burden them with how my life had suddenly been turned upside down. I didn't want them to have to feel how I was feeling... so for me, it was easier to act like nothing was going on and I was lounging about at home like I'd normally be doing during the summer, watching Jeremy Kyle and Honey Boo Boo! Ha! A handful of my close friends did find out several days after I was diagnosed as my Mum had sent them a message, although she had asked them not to say anything until I was ready, as I was reluctant for her to tell anybody in the first place.

Once more and more people started to find out, there were messages, cards, presents and 'get well' wishes... one thing about being critically ill, is that a lot of people start to pop up who you haven't spoken to in years... people who you know weren't bothered about you before.. people who had treated you really badly.. so why were they bothered now?! But I'll post about that at a later date..

I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to go about telling your friends when you're critically or seriously ill. For me, this was the only way I could deal with telling people. If it happens to me all over again, honestly, I think I'll end up doing exactly the same thing and won't tell anybody until I feel like I'm ready to tell them, or I feel that they should know what is going on. I'm good at putting on a smile and acting like everything is okay. I don't want to put my friends in a situation where I know that they'll feel upset or scared for me. All those emotions that I went through when I was first diagnosed... the tears, the sleepless nights, the fears that I wouldn't see tomorrow... I didn't want them to feel the same way, which was why I held off telling them.

It's always going to be hard, no matter how you tell people.

Chemo Cravings!

'A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.'

Today for the first time in ages I had an omelette... I know what you're thinking.. why am I telling you about my really uninteresting lunch?! Well, it actually jogged my memory!

The first time I started on my omelette craze, was when I was allowed to go home from hospital after my first round of chemo... when I was first admitted into hospital I stayed there for just under a month and when my levels had climbed their way back up to a 'safe' number after completing my first cycle of chemo, I was allowed home. (But I had to be wary and careful of anything that might cause me to get an infection.) I'd been briefed by the nurses about foods that were better for me to eat, that didn't contain any live bacteria, as my immune system wasn't as good as your regular person's, so I had to try and avoid foods and situations where I might be at risk of picking up an infection, or cook everything thorougly. There was my next problem... what could I eat?! There was a whole list of foods that I could have eaten, but then it came down to the fact that I didn't really fancy anything.. however, my Mum was a woman on a mission... a mission to fatten me up! She kept popping her head round the door with endless suggestions and combinations of different foods and I eventually settled on a cheese omelette. Little did I know, that when I was at home that was literally all I'd want to eat! To liven things up a bit she added a bit of greek salad and tomato salsa dip... which I ended up eating at least two pots of a day! It's good stuff!

Throughout my treatment, when I was at home all I ate was...

1. Cheese Omelette
2. Greek Salad
3. Tomato Salsa Dip
4. Dark Chocolate

These foods were all I could think about when a meal was suggested.

When I wasn't at home, but in hospital, I ate the hospital food. In the defence of hospital food everywhere, it really wasn't as bad as people make out! I became very fond of potatoes, yoghurt and toast.. so much so, that the lovely ladies taking down what I wanted for breakfast, lunch and tea each day could predict what I was going to choose each time! Haha... I'm so predictable! During my stays in hospital though, which was usually about 3 weeks minimum for 3 out of the 4 cycles of chemo, my parents would pop in each day to see me armed with chocolate, chocolate... aaaand more chocolate! Dark chocolate was something I definitely had a soft spot for and when one of my best friends came to visit me in Brighton, she'd run round the supermarket with her Mum beforehand on a serious quest for dark chocolate! Which was lovely of her!

One thing the doctors and nurses also stressed, was that if you want to eat something.. eat it! Being in and out of hospital and on treatment can effect your weight, so it's important to just eat what you want and when you want to. I suppose it all depends on how the chemo effects your taste buds and appetite too, but those were my funky little chemo food cravings!

Pick Me Up... literally!

Pick Me Up published my 'Cancer Story' across a double page spread in their magazine, which hit shelves in newsagents and supermarkets a couple of days ago. This issue is out until the 24th April and you can pick it up for only 68p.

My story itself reads like a twisted fairytale. But it contains all the information and of course some of my tips for products that I found (and continue to find) very useful. There is also a link to my blog address, which contains a lot more detailed information on products, dealing with hair loss, buying a wig and much more!

Race For Life - Update!

At the beginning of February I posted about doing Race for Life a women only charity run, raising money for Cancer Research. My event isn't until the 8th of June, but I just wanted to say a massive thank you to all those who have sponsored me already on my online page, it's just hit £560.00 which is absolutely incredible and I am so thankful to everyone who has kindly donated!

My little sister Harriet decided not that long ago that she'd actually like to do the event with me... considering she complains about having to run around the hockey pitch at school for a warm up before her p.e. lesson, running 3 miles could prove interesting! Haha! I can picture myself giving her a piggy back most of the way round, but she's desperate to do it with me and is all geared up with her Race For Life t-shirt and wrist bands!

If you'd like to sponsor me in my Race For Life, which is all going to Cancer Research, you can do so by going to my Just Giving page, even if it's only £1 every little helps!
http://www.justgiving.com/emilyevaalice 

Or if you'd like to sponsor my little sister Harriet, she also has a Just Giving page set up, which you can find through this link!
http://www.justgiving.com/harrietparker



Thank you again for all your support and I will post my next Race For Life update once Harriet and I have completed it on the 8th of June!

Bald and Beautiful

Losing your hair and going bald is probably one of the worst things you'll have to go through when you have cancer, (besides all the chemo and drugs.) Sometimes hair loss happens quickly, sometimes it happens gradually. My hair loss was dragged out over a number of weeks as my hair thinned a lot first and then started falling out in clumps and eventually there was hardly any left, so I decided to take the rest off.

Once all my hair was gone (and when it started to poke through again as it was growing back,) one thing I found was that my scalp became itchy and sore and when my hair started to grow back, my scalp felt more itchy and more uncomfortable. I tried different moisturisers at first, but all of them I found to be too strong on my little bald head, so my lovely Mum went off round the shops in search of something to soothe my uncomfortable head and she returned with Bepanthen.
Bepanthen is a nappy care ointment cream. It's a product developed to use on babies with nappy rash, however, it is extremely good to us on a sore, itchy bald head! Honestly, I don't think you'll find anything to beat it! It's quite a thick and creamy ointment, so a little of this on your head will go a long way.

'Bepanthen's gentle formulation quickly soothes and supports gentle skin recovery. When applied at every nappy change, (or when your newly bald head begins to feel sore/ dry or itchy,) Bepanthen forms a long-lasting, breathable barrier, protecting delicate skin against the irritants that can cause nappy rash.' (Or an itchy/ dry/ sore scalp.)

A 30g tube of Bepanthen will last you for a while, but if you want to get a bigger tube it's also available to buy in 100g. You can buy Bepanthen online from *Superdrug* or you can pop into the store. (It is slightly cheaper in Superdrug than Boots.)

Photo taken 2nd October 2013

If your hair has started to grow back already and you want to know which shampoos and conditioners are best to use for your new locks, then you can find all that on one of my previous blog posts *here!*

Hair Growth Update - March

Since I took the last bits of my hair off at the end of September, I have been religiously using Lee Stafford's Hair Growth products - Shampoo, Conditioner and Treatment Pot (which you can read about *here*) and I have to say I think that my hair is doing well! I am beginning to accept the fact that it won't grow back to waist length overnight, however, it is doing the best it can with the help of Lee's products.

As you can see from the photos, it is growing back thicker and with a bit of a curl. Pre-cancer my hair was a light shade of brown (also known as mousey brown) and completely straight, if I wanted the slightest bit of volume in it I had to back comb it like crazy and hairspray the life out of it.. now it's not only started growing back darker, it is also thicker and slightly curly/ wavy. It's completely out of control! Ha! If I want to tame it I have to wash it every night to keep it more or less flattened down. In my 'March' photos I'd washed my hair a couple of days before and as you can see, I've got a nice little quiff going on and it's also gone curlier at the back. The longer you don't wash it for, the crazier it gets!
My Dad was the first one to say, "You never know, you might have a massive afro!" Which my younger sister found extremely funny and then spent a couple of minutes drawing a picture of me with a mass of curly hair on my head... brilliant!

I'm not entirely sure as my hair gets longer if it will continue to be as wavy as it is now, or if the weight of the hair as it grows will eventually straighten it out a bit... I'll have to wait and see!

For anyone who has lost their hair, whether it has been due to chemo or not, I would definitely recommend that when it starts to grow back you get some of these products in stock, as not only do they smell nice, they work wonders for your hair in helping it to grow back. Obviously, like I said in my previous hair post, I don't know how quickly hair should grow from scratch, but I personally think that these products are definitely making a difference to my hair growth and I would 100% recommend them to anybody trying to grow their hair longer. You can either buy it online at Boots or in store.

One Crazy Week - In The News!

So this week has been absolutely crazy! At the end of February a couple of weeks ago, I was contacted by the lovely Harriet from SWNS news. They're the UK's largest press agency and Harriet had happened to come across my blog and contacted me on twitter saying she wanted to do a piece on it as she thought it might get interest from others who might be in the same situation. So after several phone calls with Harriet, she'd got all the information she needed and I sent her some photos from my blog, as well as photos of me before and after treatment.

Harriet then pitched my story to the papers and it was picked up and published online at the beginning of last week. I was getting emails and telephone calls from lots of different people wanting to know about my blog and my cancer diagnosis, having interviews on the radio and a reporter and cameraman for BBC South East came round late Wednesday afternoon to interview me... Friday lunchtime and Friday evening I was shown on the local news. It's been completely bizarre! However I am extremely thankful for the exposure my blog and 'My Cancer Story' has had over the past week and all the emails I've received, from people who have also been diagnosed with cancer, to those who have been touched by my story. Thank you for your kind messages and I hope that my blog posts on 'Dealing With Cancer' have made a difference to those reading, even if it's just one person.

Below are the links that will take you to my story featured in different newspaper articles online:
The Mail Online
The Argus
The Huffington Post
Kent & Sussex Courier
The Sun
BBC News Sussex

I did a pre-recorded radio interview with Bright FM and spoke to a journalist from the Sussex Express just the other day. I'll also be featured in a Women's magazine later in the month, but I'm not sure when these will pop up, so I'll let you know when I know!

Thank you again for all the support and lovely messages I have received, I am very grateful that my story has had such a positive reaction, so thank you.

To Wig or Not To Wig?

A couple of weeks ago, my Dad and I made the long 5 hour car journey back up to Aberystwyth where I was at uni (and will be returning to in September for my final year) so that I could spend several days seeing my lovely friends, some of whom I hadn't seen since before I was diagnosed last year in June 2013! Which was mainly down to me not wanting to see anybody when I wasn't well. It wasn't that they weren't my friends and couldn't be bothered to come and see me, it was simply because I didn't feel like seeing or talking to anyone. I shut myself off from my friends for a while. I didn't tell them when I was first diagnosed  in June, only a few people knew as my Mum had passed on a message I wasn't well, the majority of my friends found out a month later in July when I dropped it into conversation. This may sound strange. Why wouldn't I tell my friends straight away? Some of whom I've known for years and years. Honestly? I don't think I accepted the whole situation for a while. I was there in hospital, having blood and platelets being pumped into me quite intensively during the first several weeks and it was almost like I was looking down on myself watching all of this going on around me. It took me a while to actually register what was going on.

So when I went up to Aberystwyth, I took my trusty wig along which I got from Trendco in Hove, (you can read all about my lovely wig *here*) as I was very aware of the fact that when I last saw the majority of my friends, I had had lovely long hair that reached almost half way down my back.

I arrived at my friends house (where I should also have been living this year) in my wig and it was really lovely to see everybody again! I braved it the next couple of days and didn't wear my wig, as we mainly stayed in catching up, or wandered around town for a bit. Nothing major. Then came Friday night. Two of my friends were celebrating their birthday in town (which I did know about, as that was one of the reasons I had gone up to Aberystwyth in the first place.) The theme was to dress as something beginning with either a G or a T, so my friend and I went as two tigers. After I'd done makeup on a couple of my friends, I started getting ready, the panic had already set in, what was I so worried about? Should I wear my wig? Shouldn't I wear my wig? Some people won't be aware of what I've been through, what will they say? Will they shout abuse at me? Will they make a passing comment about the girl with really short hair? Why is it so short, did she do a Miley and shave it off and it's only just growing back? She had such nice hair before, what has she done to herself? The questions and the nasty comments that could potentially be said kept popping up in my head. I was panicking, it was the first time I was going out since June and I couldn't stop this chain of negative thoughts that I thought other people would be thinking too when they saw me.

I had to put on my wig.

I wanted a night of normality, I wanted a night where I could go out with my friends like I used to, like any 21 year old would want to and just have fun. The line 'I feel more comfortable with my wig on' came out of me as I was getting ready and they were fine with that. They didn't ask me any questions, or why, (which I was glad about because honestly, I think I would have started crying.) They simple said if that's what makes you comfortable then that's fine with us. I have the best bunch of friends.

Me, Courtney and Frankie, ready for our night out. ❤

So I went out and I had a lovely final night in Aber. Going back to Aberystwyth made me realise a few things. It made me realise that when you've been through so much and you've been told you're in remission and in the all clear you want life to snap back to normal, how it used to be. But you know what? It won't and it doesn't. Looking at myself each day in the mirror is a constant reminder, I see my short, boyish hair and remember how it all fell it. I can picture it very clearly. Clumps falling from my head to the floor. Masses of hair getting stuck in my hair brush... even my Dad scooping handfuls worth of hair up off the bathroom floor and telling me it'll grow back. He's right, it does grow back. But that doesn't mean it makes it any easier.

My life won't snap back to normal, physically yes, I'm doing so much better than I was and I am in remission and so far in the all clear. But mentally, it takes its toll. There will always be the memories, the little things you see or do on a daily basis that will trigger flashbacks to lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines. I'm sure one day in several years time, it will be back to it's lovely length, but for now I have my trusty wig for those days when I don't want to think about what's happened, or thinking about it becomes all too much. I'm incredibly thankful for the doctors and nurses who have helped me this far and will continue to help me and I am also thankful for my amazing bunch of wonderfully supportive friends.

Stay Strong and Keep Smiling

Stay Strong and Keep Smiling.

These were two little phrases that I kept telling myself when I was diagnosed back in June, during treatment, when I was told I was in the all clear in October and now (especially over the next three years) whilst I'm still being monitored in case my cancer returns.
Every time my parents visited me in hospital, they'd always say 'Keep smiling little Em' as they left through the door. When I reached my 21st birthday last December, my parents gave me some money and I decided to get something that I'd be able to keep forever. I chose two rings from the jewellers Joulberry, which I found online from 'Not On The Highstreet.' What attracted me to these rings was the fact you could get them engraved inside and outside. One ring says 'Stay Strong' with my diagnosis date on the inside (20-06-2013) and the other says 'Keep Smiling' with 'Love Mum and Dad xx' on the inside. They arrived pretty quickly and looked lovely, the only problem was, was that they didn't fit. They were way too big. I'd been into a local jewellers to get my ring size measured and had gone with the size they'd said when ordering these rings online. Joulberry were very good about it and gave me a contact number that I could ring to get them sent back and resized, but now that I had them, I didn't really want to be sending them back and waiting ages for them to be resized, especially as I didn't know how much smaller they had to go.

This is where the lovely Richard comes in from RTFJ Handmade Bespoke Jewellery. I came across Richard in a google search, looking for someone local to me who resized rings, then I stumbled across his Facebook page where he had the best bunch of reviews possible from previous customers. I was sold that he was the guy who could fix my rings for me! I dropped him an email and arranged a time to go over to his workshop so he could have a look at my rings and see if he could do anything about them. My Mum and I went over to see Richard and after he'd said he could definitely resize my rings for me, he set about working on them there and then. It probably took him about 20 minutes to resize them and polish them up for me, he worked very quickly and is clearly a man who knows what he's doing when it comes to jewellery. Once he'd finished with my rings he very kindly said that he wouldn't charge me anything, instead I could put the money I would have spent on the ring resizing towards my Race for Life event in June (which you can read about on my blog *here.*) This was incredibly generous of him, seeing as he'd spent his time, equipment and materials on resizing my rings. None of the engraving on the inside or outside of my rings was disturbed, despite them having to be cut down several sizes and they now sit happily on my middle finger and thumb. I couldn't have found a better person to re-size my rings for me.

These rings are something I will keep and wear forever, they're a constant reminder of what I've been through and if worse comes to worst and my cancer ever decides to return, they're also a reminder of what I've stayed strong through before and can stay strong through again.

If you have any rings you need resizing or just anything that's jewellery related, I'd 100% recommend that you drop Richard an email. You can find his Facebook page *here*, his Twitter *here* and his website with all his contact details and general information about him and his work *here!*

Why Having Cancer Helped Me

I know, you're probably thinking how can something as bad as cancer be helpful? A disease that spreads itself around your body, putting you through months if not years or absolute torture, causing you to become reliant on drugs to survive, then if you're one of the lucky ones and you do survive it, there's that constant fear of it coming back and sending you straight back to square one. HOW is that helpful?

Me and Grandad

In February 2006 my Grandad died of cancer. He was my Mum's father and an incredibly talented artist, living up in Wigan. We didn't see him as often as we saw my other grandparents due to the fact he lived so far away, but occasionally my brothers and I would take it in turns to go up there in pairs (we'd have been too much of a handful all at once) and visit. Then when he could he'd make the drive down to us, but obviously this became more difficult as his cancer got worse and his health deteriorated. The last time I saw him was when I said goodbye as he prepared to drive back home, I remember his legs and his feet looking incredibly sore and swollen and after one last hug he set off. After that he became too ill and weak to drive down and eventually he was admitted to hospital, we never went to see him in hospital, mainly because of the long journey, but probably because at 13 nobody should have to see someone dying and bed bound. Then, one day in February Mum and Dad sat us all down in the living room and told us he'd passed away. Death is a strange thing. It's always the gentlest people who seem to be taken first, and no matter how prepared you think you are for that moment when you're told someone you love so dearly has died, you're never prepared enough for the effect it will have on you or the way it hits you and continues to effect you as the years go by.

The following year, 2007, was the year my Granny (my Dad's mother) also died as a result of cancer. The lead up to my Granny's death I remember a lot more of. When the hospital said they couldn't really do any more to help her, just make her comfortable she came to stay with us. Prior to staying with us she had lived down in Brighton and it was the hospital in Brighton, (the same one where I have been treated at) that she had also been in. On one of the few occasions I went to visit her in hospital, (eventually I couldn't handle visiting) we went into the building, up the stairs and into the ward she was in. She was lying on a bed nearer the end of the ward and despite being so ill, she was always so happy to see us. One thing about Granny was that she was always brave enough to smile through the pain, no matter how bad it was. We gathered round her and talked for a while, there was a lady a couple of beds up acting confused and kept asking questions that nobody could answer, simply because they didn't know what she was talking about. Seeing Granny hooked up to tubes was just unbearable, I had to make my excuses saying I needed the toilet and make a quick exit trying to hide the tears running down my face. I made it down one flight of stairs before stopping at a window, looking out, trying to disguise the fact that I was crying from other people going up and down the stairs. Eventually Dad came out to find me and once i'd calmed down we went back in to see Granny. Soon, there was nothing more that the hospital could do for her, so she came to stay at ours. I moved out of my bedroom on the ground floor as it was much easier for Granny as there were no stairs to negotiate with and the window looked out onto the garden, which was much better than staring at hospital curtains or walls all day. While Granny was staying with us I went on a school trip to Poland where we stayed at the Mount Haven Centre and helped out with the children who stayed there. I was only away for 10 days, but to me, those are 10 days I shouldn't have been away, they're 10 days that I will never get back when I could have been at home with Granny. The worst part about it was that each day I was away, was another day she just got weaker, which I was fully aware of. When I got back home, I brought back with me a couple of collectors spoons. Little silver spoons with Krakow and Poland written on them, these spoons from different countries were something Granny had collected for years since my Dad had brought her one back from travelling round when he was younger. I'd bought a hand carved wooden box for her to keep them in and after i'd gone into her room to see her and to give them to her, Mum told me that that was the most Granny had moved since i'd been away. She'd tried to sit up to give me a hug and she looked really happy with her gift. Not long after that Granny died. After Mum had told us Granny had passed away she tried to keep us out of the room, but when she wasn't standing by the door I crept in. Granny was lying there, it was just like she was sleeping, she even had her mouth partly open like she was snoring. I sat in the chair next to her and gently placed both of my hands round her left hand. It was cold, very cold, but I didn't want to let go, I didn't want to and I wasn't ready to. Eventually Mum came in and said I had to let go now and she took me to sit in the living room with my brothers and sister. We had to close the curtains and were told to keep them closed, this was because there were people coming to take Granny's body away and just like that she was gone.

Granny with my brother Charlie

Nothing prepares you for death. No matter how weak you see that person getting, or how quickly their health deteriorates, nothing prepares you. After Granny's death I really struggled. I knew she'd died because of Cancer, but why? For years I beat myself up about it and I couldn't get my head round it. Why did Granny die? Why couldn't I do anything to help her? Why didn't she stay with us longer? Why didn't the hospital help her more? Why did she get cancer? Why did it happen to her? Why did she stop fighting and just go, just like that?

But you know what, she did all that she could. It wasn't her fault and it wasn't my fault. She'd had enough. She couldn't take any more, physically or mentally. This is something that I realised when I was diagnosed with cancer and during my treatment. Being treated for cancer obviously varies depending on the type you have, but when I was going through my treatment, especially when I was first admitted, it was intense. I was being pumped with multiple bags of blood and platelets pretty much every day. I was put on so many different types of drugs, most of which I couldn't even pronounce and there were times when even I questioned if I'd be able to keep it up. Did I really want to lie in a hospital bed for months on end being pumped with different bags of fluid each day? Was this how I was going to spend the rest of my life? Luckily for me, once I'd gotten through the first several weeks and I began to respond to treatment, the number of bags of blood and platelets I was having decreased and eventually my blood was coping fine without needing extra help.

But going through all of that, finally made me understand. It made me understand that cancer is extremely hard, no matter how old you are. My Grandad and my Granny spent much longer living with their cancer, so for them it must have been far worse. Towards the end of my chemo I began to question how other people with cancer managed to deal with everything for longer periods of time, all the drugs, the chemo, the not knowing, just everything. My chemo was stretched out over about 5 months, but there are people who are having chemo for years and I simply don't know how they do it. I felt so drained and was so glad and thankful when it was finished. It all helped in making me realise that when my Granny and my Grandad died, they didn't give up, they'd just taken all that they could take. They didn't want to leave, they had to, they'd been so drained physically and mentally that the thought of no more pain, the thought of no more drugs, the thought of no more being poked around and no more lying in bed thinking back on how their life used to be, that was what they wanted, they wanted normality and more importantly no more pain, just peace.. and who can blame them?

Having cancer helped me understand that, which is something for me, no amount of 'talking about it' could. No I didn't like having cancer and no, I don't like the thought of it returning. But if anything positive has come out of this, then it's finally understanding that my Grandad and my Granny didn't leave me out of choice. They just couldn't take any more and I wouldn't have wanted them to go through any more either. I strongly believe that if I hadn't have had cancer, i'd still be going round in a destructive cycle, not understanding why my grandparents died. It's an extreme way to understand, but I now know how much the disease drains you and tears you down not only physically, but mentally as well.

They loved me, they loved all of us and even though memories and photographs are all that I have left, those are things that will stay with me forever and they can never be replaced or taken away.

Race for Life - Cancer Research

'Because someone we love is in heaven, there's a little bit of heaven in our home.'

I thought I'd kick off February postings starting with my Race for Life event! Race for Life happens every year up and down the country, it's a women - only event and all the money raised from sponsorship goes to Cancer Research and this year I've decided that I'm going to be taking part.
In 2006 we lost my Grandad, (my Mum's Dad) to cancer and the following year in 2007 we lost my Granny, (my Dad's Mum) to cancer as well. Then there was last year, in June 2013, which if you've read my previous posts you'll know that I was diagnosed with Leukaemia, a cancer of the blood. For 4/5 months I went through chemo, tablets and many stays in hospital, it felt like a lifetime. Luckily at the end of October I was told that there was no longer any sign of the Leukeamia and I was in remission. I am so thankful for everything the hospital and the nurses and doctors have done for me and will continue to do for the next 3 years, as every 3 months I have to have a bone marrow biopsy done so they can monitor me closely, incase the cancer comes back.

When I was in hospital the majority of the time I was lucky enough to have one of the side rooms, so I wasn't around any other patients, but I did spend several days and nights in the ward along with other cancer patients. One thing you learn from staying on a ward with people who are 'in the same boat as you' as they say, is that although you're in the same boat... each person in that boat is still an individual. I was lucky that my cancer was treatable and responded so well to treatment that there is now no sign of it, but listening to the other patients talk to each other, you learn that the different types of cancer are as individual as the person they live in. Some have a positive outlook, they can be cured, some aren't so positive, but can be controlled and for some their days are numbered. There is no cure, no miracle drug, they're the ones who have to tell their families that it's bad news, that they might not see their birthday this year, they won't make it past Christmas... they might not even make it past next month. Luckily for me, the type of Leukaemia I was diagnosed with was, as the doctors said, "The best type to have, as it is very responsive to treatment." I was fortunate that my cancer was and is curable. But for those who aren't as fortunate with cancers that can't be cured, or treated effectively, I want to do something and this is why I've chosen to take part in Race for Life and raise as much money as possible. All the money that is donated for my sponsorship goes towards Cancer Research UK's life-saving work and continued research into preventing, diagnosing and treating cancer.

If you would like to sponsor me, you can visit my online Just Giving page by clicking **here!** Even if it's just a pound, for Cancer Research every donation helps, so thank you.

If you want to sign up for Race for Life somewhere near you, you can find a location and sign up on the site. But if you fancy something different, Cancer Research have many different events going on throughout the year, which you can also check out on their site *here.* 
Thank you so much for your support. ❤

                               

AUSSIE 3 Minute Miracle - Deep Treatment

'There's more to life than hair, but it's a good place to start!'

Last week I posted about the hair products I am using at the moment whilst my hair is growing back, which you can read about *here!* So I thought why not do a post about the products I used on my hair whilst I was in hospital. These products were from the brand AUSSIE who also have a lovely little philosophy, 'There's more to life than hair, but it's a good place to start!' Which is very true!

When I was first diagnosed, I was told that there was a very slim chance of my hair falling out completely, they reckoned that all it would do was get a lot thinner, (which for someone who had a thick amount of hair) I felt as comfortable as you could be with the thought of your hair thinning at 20 years old! I wasn't overly worried about it. However, I have a knack of making a mess/ being a bit ditsy with most things that I do! Haha! Washing my hair with a picc line in my arm turned out to be one of those things. No matter how much cling film I had wrapped round my arm, washing my hair in the shower I always managed to get some water under the cling film with my line. SO. In came Super Mummy! Haha! My Mum and Dad came in to hospital to visit me every day when I was in there, so every couple of days my Mum would wash my hair for me... which turned out to be a lot trickier than you'd think! She'd don a plastic apron, roll up her trousers, roll up her sleeves, kick off her shoes and arm herself with AUSSIE Colour Mate Shampoo and AUSSIE 3 Minute Miracle Deep Treatment. Then i'd stand with my head bent under the shower head whilst she washed my hair for me, (often switching the temperature of the water from hot to cold and laughing at my reaction.) It started off with the shampoo, AUSSIE say, "This juicy formula, oozing of the fruity stuff, comes to the rescue of coloured tresses making sure hues stay bright and hair comes alive." ...and you know what? They're right! My hair had been dyed blonde months before I went into hospital, so my roots had started to grow out, my hair was damaged from being bleached and, I have to admit, didn't look in very good condition. Because this AUSSIE shampoo is aimed at coloured hair, even after the first use my hair was much softer and looked just that little bit shinier, the shampoo itself also lathered up really nicely and it smelt wonderfully fruity too! Then, came the real 'star of the show' the AUSSIE 3 Minute Miracle - Deep Treatment, again, this 3 minute miracle bottle was aimed at coloured hair and was by far my favourite out of the two! Simply massage it into your hair/ scalp applying it like it were an ordinary shampoo/ conditioner, then leave it on for 3 minutes, rinse it off and TA-DAA! Lovely, silky smooth hair and the colour also looked that bit brighter and less straw like, (lets face it, nobody likes looking like a scarecrow.)

My Mum went through several bottles of both the shampoo and deep treatment on my hair before it decided to fall out... unfortunate, but hey, it happened. It was however in a much better condition after using just these products (notice no conditioner) and I even plaited a bit of my hair and kept it... still nice and soft even when it's not attached to your head! Ha!
So there you have it! I would thoroughly recommend these products to everyone, whether you're going through treatment, or if you're just looking for a nice little health kick for your hair! They definitely nourish and care for your hair, plus they smell nice and fruity and the 3 Minute Miracle - Deep Treatment is a bottle full of heaven for your hair!

You can purcahse AUSSIE hair products from Boots *here* and if you want to check out more details on these products or other products in the AUSSIE brand, you can have a wander over to their website which you can find *here!*

Lee Stafford - Hair Growth Treatment

'If the earth's not nourished you'll never grow BEAutiful flowers.'

This is the quirky little quote that greets you on Lee Stafford's 'Hair Growth Treatment' products and I love it! It's true though, if your hair isn't nourished with the right products and diet it's not going to grow to it's full potential length.

My hair started falling out after my third dose of chemo and I eventually decided to take it all off at the end of September. Since then it has been growing back and THE ONLY product I have used on it has been Lee's Hair Growth shampoo, conditioner and treatment (which you use in between the shampoo and conditioner.) It's like using any shampoo or conditioner, except for the treatment in between. Lather up your shampoo, rinse it off and then, using an egg sized scoop of product from the treatment pot, massage from roots to ends, leave on for 5 minutes and then rinse off! Lastly whack in your conditioner and rinse out and TADAA! Not only do you smell like berries and loveliness, (I have to say once you smell these products, no other product can beat them!) You WILL also notice a difference in your hair! My hair feels really soft and silky (despite there not being that much) and I have noticed a difference!
Now don't get me wrong, this is the first time i've ever been bald before, so I have no experience up until now, or no idea how fast hair should grow, but after using this product for about 3 months (as my hair didn't grow back straight away) I think it's grown really well and it is ALL down to these products! Once you use them, you'll never want to go back and I would 100% recommend giving them a try! I for one shall continue to use these products until my hair has returned to it's pre-cancer length!

Below left: Taken on the 25th September 2013 when I took my remaining hair off.
Below right: Taken on the 13th January 2014!

               

You can purchase Lee's Hair Growth shampoo, conditioner and treatment at Boots stores and you can have a wander over to Lee's site where you can browse through his other hair product collections too! http://www.leestafford.com/en/

I hope you find them as effective and as wonderful as I have! THE BEST products I have ever used!

THE ONLY WIG SHOP YOU'LL WANT TO GO TO!

So you may be thinking, WHY HAS THIS CRAZY GIRL WRITTEN HER POST TITLE IN CAPITALS?! This is because, there is no other way I can get across to you, how ABSOLUTELY AMAZING this wig shop is and how INCREDIBLY LOVELY Phoebe was, who sorted me out! Look at it like this, if your head was a strawberry.. this place is your cream!

Trendco. Trendco Hair Supplies is a chain of salons located in London, Hove, Birmingham, Manchester and Nottingham and are one of the UK's largest suppliers of wigs and hairpieces (human hair and synthetic.) I went to the salon in Hove as it was the one closest to me and was seen by one of the stylists there called Phoebe. Phoebe is an absolute gem and a complete credit to the salon! Walking into the salon, there are loads of wigs on display heads, ranging from bobs, to shoulder length, straight to curly, some have bangs and some don't and all of these wigs come in an array of colours and tones.

Phoebe sat me down on a chair in front of a mirror (like you'd find at a hairdressers) and asked me what kind of style I was looking for and if I had a certain colour in mind. To be honest I was completely overwhelmed by the display of wigs on show and all the different cuts and styles... there were just so many! I'd gone in with the intention of getting a wig with loose curls in a brown or blonde and I definitely knew I wanted it to have a fringe as I felt that being a wig, with a fringe you wouldn't be able to see any cut off point from head to hair. I tried on the 'Avery' wig it was curly and had bangs on it, but I quickly realised it wasn't the right one for me, for some reason it just didn't look right, (probably because my hair is naturally dead straight... not to mention the fact I was bald and hadn't seen that much hair on my head in a while!) Phoebe suggested trying something straight and brought back 'Misha.' I'd also decided that I wanted a slightly lighter colour than the last one, so Phoebe had chosen a lighter brown colour with blonde highlights running through it. She placed it onto my head for me, like she had done 'Avery.' I had a wig cap over my head first (to make the wig more comfortable to wear) and then Phoebe asked me to hold the front of the wig against my forehead, whilst she pulled the rest of the wig over my head so it sat comfortably. Phoebe had assessed my skin tone perfectly after I realised the last colour was too dark and the mixture of the blondes and browns in 'Misha' were a really complimentary colour on my skin tone. The fringe that was on 'Misha' was a tad bit too long for me, but Phoebe cut it so that it sat how I wanted it and was more of a straight fringe. I then walked out of the shop a very happy bunny with a lovely head of hair!

Overall I can't rave enough about Trendco and about Phoebe! I'd gone in about a week before to book my appointment (you need to book an appointment with a stylist, unfortunately you can't just walk in.) I went into the salon really scared to take my hat off as I was now bald, however when I did take it off Phoebe didn't bat an eyelid, she talked me through styles, colours, wig care and how to get it to sit on my head properly. When she spoke it was as though she'd actually been through hair loss (whether she has or not I don't know, as I didn't ask) but she made me feel completely comfortable and very happy by the end with my new hair! She knew exactly what she was talking about and I would definitely go back again! 'Misha' the wig itself looks so real and unless you came up really close and had a good look at my 'roots' (sounds a bit of a funny thing to do) you wouldn't know that it was a wig! My Dad summed it up nicely by saying, "It's weird, because you wouldn't know it was a wig, but obviously I know it's a wig because I saw it go on your head, but really, you wouldn't know!" Haha!

A MASSIVE thank you to Phoebe as I couldn't have asked for better! If you do go to the Hove store I would thoroughly recommend her! The focus is all on the customer and making them feel 'normal' again and that is something you won't find with every wig supplier. Trendco is THE place to go for getting a high quality, natural looking wig.

My wig colour is Mochaccino and the style is Misha. (Synthetic wig.)

*It is also really simple to wash your wig. You soak it in lukewarm water with a splash of shampoo, rinse then soak in clean lukewarm water with a splash of the conditioner and then just rinse it out and hang it on your head or wig stand to dry! You can brush through it with a wide toothed comb once it is dry, don't brush it whilst it is wet as that can pull on the hair. It's as simple as that!*

http://www.trendco.co.uk/

 

Goodbye Hair ♥

After two courses of Idarubicin (chemo,) my hair hadn't yet fallen out... yes, it had thinned, but there was still a substantial amount attached to my head and anybody who hadn't met me before would have thought that that was my normal amount of hair. My third course of chemo changed all of that. It was a drug called Mitoxantrone, a funky Sonic the Hedgehog blue in colour and I was given that, like my previous courses, intravenously.
A week or so after I'd' had my last dose of Mitoxantrone and my levels were pretty much in a 'safe' zone my Dad came to collect me to take me home. I heard him come into the room whilst I was in the bathroom, I'd locked myself away and had been standing looking into the mirror, slowly running the brush through my hair for about 10 minutes. I'd found a bald patch at the back of my head and my hair that should have been there was now scattered on the floor and firmly lodged in my hairbrush, I unlocked the door with tears rolling down my face and Dad came over to give me a hug. He collected up my hair from the floor and then put it in a bag to take home... "You can show it to your Mother when we get back... we can always stick it back on your head with a bit of glue!" Haha, one thing about my Dad is that after a sympathetic hug, it is normally always followed by a joke or a sarcastic comment to lighten the mood and admittedly, it did make me laugh!

I have always loved my hair, it was part of me (obviously, being attached to my head) and changing the colour and style of it now and then is what (I thought) made me, well, me! 

Up until now, my hair has had a very colourful life! My natural colour is a mousey brown, but as you can see it has been brown, dark brown, black and blonde and it's had highlights, bits of blue, bits of pink and bits of red here and there. So when it started falling out I was devastated. It got to the stage where the majority of it had come out, I was left with a massive monk style bald patch on my head and I was crying every time I washed or brushed my hair.

On the 25th September I decided enough was enough and took the rest of it off. (That and the fact my Mum had said I now reminded her of 'that man from Little Britain' aka Matt Lucas... thank you Mother! Haha!) So off it all came. There is no way you can prevent your hair from falling out due to chemo. If it's going to come out, it's going to come out and I was nowhere near ready to deal with it. I cried a lot. Every time I brushed my hair, I cried. Every time I washed my hair, I cried. Every time I looked in the mirror and saw myself, I cried. In my eyes and in my mind I was falling apart, the worst bit was, I could see that I was falling apart, but there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it.

My hair has grown a fair amount since September, my sister has now nicknamed me 'Hedgehog' because it's so soft and sticks up where I've been sleeping on it. She said when it gets even longer I will have reached a 'Porcupine' stage of hair growth! My brother on the other hand, returned home from work and greeted me with a "Haha! How's Dennis the Menace doing?" I'd like to think that I don't resemble a spikey haired, trouble making cartoon character, but he seems intent on making his nickname for me stick... I do however have THE nicest wig for the days when I just can't bare looking at it, which I shall give you all the details for in my next post! There is no easy way to deal with losing your hair when having Chemo, but stay strong and keep smiling! It WILL grow back. xx